Well, I guess it didn't work.

The Tea Box

Don't make fun of me.

About 9 months ago, my aunt sent me a housewarming care package. In it was a box of Trader Joe's Irish Breakfast tea and some great towels with palm trees on them - plus a matching trash can. Thanks, Auntie!

The tea was nice to drink through the winter, and it was also a pleasure to have iced in the summer. I took the box of tea to work with me when I was hired at my current employer, and it has sat on the shelf above my computer there ever since. Each morning I grab a bag and make some hot tea in my water bottle, then add cool water to make it "iced". Since I don't like to drink much coffee, it's a nice alternative and I still get some caffeine. I love it.

Today, I used the last of the tea. After putting the bag in my water bottle, I picked up the box and took one last look at it before throwing it out.

I really shouldn't have taken that look.

Suddenly, the tea box transformed itself into an old friend. All the memories of moving into the new place, getting used to being in a new place and all the good and bad that comes with it while drinking the tea came roaring back into my head. This was NOT just a STUPID TEA BOX, this was a FIXTURE from my EARLY DAYS HERE and right then, in front of the garbage can, it felt like I was losing a piece of my very heart and soul! WHY WOULD I DO THAT?!

(Ahem...I realize it's just a stupid tea box.)

After casually tossing it in the garbage like it didn't bother me (oh but it did), I glanced around to see if anyone was looking and took it out of the trash. It's back on my desk. Empty. There is even a corner that came unglued. It's not a useful box anymore, but there it is.

Maybe it's because I'm still adjusting to living somewhere new and still feel a little vulnerable. Maybe it's because my aunt gave me the tea and I miss my family, or maybe it's because I am batshit circus crazy and need to be in a straitjacket. I JUST DON'T KNOW.

But it's not leaving my line of vision. Not yet.

It's just too soon.

So it begins...

Today is July 24th. It is also the 12 month anniversary of my setting foot on Oregon soil. This time last year, I had just stopped with my friend Becka and we checked into the HolidaySuperBestFloralCurtain SupremeContinentalBreakfastWhatever motel just off I-84 in Pendleton and talked the night through making excited plans of what we were going to do when-

No, actually. That's not quite right.

We stopped in Pendleton, but FIRST visited the supermarket TO BUY A BOTTLE OF WINE for two reasons.

1. Celebrate!

2. Lavish in the fact I CAN DO THAT NOW WHENEVER I WANT!

For you see, dear children, wine is not sold anywhere in the great State of Utah save for the state run liquor stores (unrefrigerated), which create all the ambiance and atmosphere of your local DMV (now with more beige!) so, to celebrate no longer needing to purchase alcohol from a dispensary unit (i.e. placing a chit in the chute and hoping for zinfandel), I made sure to buy wine at the supermarket!

WINE at the SUPERMARKET!

Seriously. I am still not over that. Walking through the supermarket has not been the same for me since last July.

(LOVE IT.)

Then we drank the entire bottle and talked the night through making excited plans yadda yadda I already said that part.


THE NEXT MORNING...we awoke with slight hangovers and made our way gingerly through the Gorge and into Portland.

It was the most exciting drive I have ever made in my life.

(TREES!)

Now I am here. Now I am employed. Now my employer HAS OFFERED ME A CONTRACT EXTENSION FOR TWO YEARS (oh did I mention that?) and have absolutely no regrets. My boyfriend (who is an Oregon native, by the way) once said "You know, Oregon looks good on you."

I couldn't agree more.

So let's see what the next 12 months bring. After my experiences and everything else I've been through this past 12, I am ready for damn near anything!

So happy. :)

Today is my Dad's birthday.

Yesterday they had a surprise birthday party for him. My Mom asked me to write something about him that she could read at his party, so I wrote this:

My Dad is responsible for my drive to learn. Fitting, since he's a teacher, but I guess that is what he loves to do in life - to inspire thirst for knowledge. He clearly didn't scrimp on me when it came to that.

Any time I ever wanted to know about something, I went to him. My walking encyclopedia. If he didn't know the answer, he damn well knew how to find the answer and would educate me as soon as he did. As a result of his influence, I have always taken the time to study both sides of an issue, I have never been confounded about my nation's government and how it operates and I have always learned the correct way to pronounce foreign words just in case I find myself somewhere that might come in handy.

The world is fascinating to me and I have my Dad to thank for that. He drove me to school in the mornings with NPR on the radio - where I first learned about different types of music from other countries. When I was in college and my studies in English, Political Science, Public Speaking, you name it, had come to a screeching halt, he swooped in for the rescue and got me motivated again.

When I wrote anything out of creativity, he would read and applaud it, then encourage me to write more. Most importantly, he was the one who got me my first National Geographic subscription as a child with an issue featuring beautiful photos from an interesting city called Portland. He opened my mind and encouraged me to never be afraid to ask a question. He showed me how to peacefully exist with others in this world.

He taught me how to live.

Thank you, Dad. I am a better person because of you and I will never, ever forget that.

Happy Birthday. Love you.

R.I.P. Billy Mays

Most of you already know that Billy Mays, inventor of OxiClean and a whole slew of other household cleaning products has passed away. He was too young and it is very sad.

At the supermarket yesterday I went to get a Tide pen to keep at my desk, and OxiClean was right next to it. The little spray bottle.

This one:



Anyhow, I decided on OxiClean rather than the Tide pen in honor of his passing (and due to it being cheaper).

I just got strawberry juice on my down comforter. Not a good thing. Luckily the OxiClean was right next to me so I gave it a test run.

Holy.

Crap.

This stuff is GOOD. All you do is spray it on the stain and it's GONE. Seriously! I can't see it and it was STRAWBERRY JUICE! The juice had even had time to dry and it still came off!

WOW.

Rest in peace, Billy Mays. Your contributions will not go ignored in my household.

HAPPY FOURTH OF JULY!!!

Now, we turn our focus to the U.S. and its special day.



Did you have to sing this in elementary school? I did and I still remember (most of) the lyrics, not to mention all of our states in alphabetical order. Post a comment if you did!

Happy happy!

Happy Canada Day!

Yes, I am going to make this cake from last year and live it up for the Canadians! Woohoo!

(eh.)

Additionally, I would like to show you this retrospective of Canada's early days, delicately researched to give you an accurate picture of what begun to make this nation so very intriguing (short answer: beavers). Such a very colo(u)rful history.



Celebrate our neighbors to the North! If you know a Canadian, tell them you love them! Give hugs! Play hockey! Put gravy on fries! TODAY IS THE DAY!

Happy Canada Day to all my Canadian friends.

(eh.)

Happy Sunday!

Hello there! Yesterday I went to my friend Becka's company barbecue. It was at a state park called Blue Lake and it was quite pretty. Her co-workers were all friendly and one of them brought his Cajun friend and had a SHRIMP BOIL.

Holy crap. So good.

Granted it wasn't a "real" shrimp boil with zydeco and swamplands and dancing and such, but it was done by an actual Cajun from Plaquemine so it definitely has some credibility. He even had an LSU license plate border. You can't question that. Did I mention how incredibly delicious it was? DID I??

Plus there were leftovers. Sweet, sweet leftovers. They were eaten shortly after the last photo was taken. They didn't have a chance.

Photos!

Happy Sunday, y'all!

So how the hell do I follow that post?

Ha! What should I say now?

1. It's Saturday.

2. I am watching The Simpsons on Hulu.

3. It's cool and breezy and humid and overcast and I LOVE IT.

4. Also I am doing laundry.

Maybe I will walk on the nature trail today...have I told you about the nature trail? The one next door to me? The one with all the boardwalks and creeks and trees? I haven't?

OH WE HAVE SO MUCH TO COVER.

Where do I begin???

Whoa.

This feels weird. I honestly didn't think I would be back here. There was going to be the link to my Flickr page (see previous post for that link) and I was pretty much going to leave it at that.

Something was missing, though.

Something huge.

(No, not my ass. I still have that.)

This is the perfect place for me to express myself. I knew this, you knew this. However, I have been very busy these past 10 months adjusting to life in a new state and thought I might have moved on from my blogging days.

HA! WRONG.

I still love this shit. No matter what I say or try to tell myself, no matter how much easier it is to just post pictures on Flickr, I STILL LOVE WRITING ABOUT RANDOM CRAP IN MY DAILY LIFE WITHOUT A CARE IF ANYONE FINDS IT INTERESTING.

So there you have it. But seriously look at my pictures. They're cool.

LET'S HAVE A REVIEW.

July 2008

I moved to Portland, driving with Becka through Idaho and Eastern Oregon. It was a part of the country I have never seen before and it was amazing. I felt so free!

After a couple of weeks, however, it hit me that I was not on vacation and was not going home. After some incredibly challenging emotional struggles, I began to come to terms with where I live now and what I need to do with my life (still a work in progress). Whew.

August 2008

Things simmered for awhile.

September 2008

I bought Minty. He is a Yaris. This is the only picture I have of him on my hard drive at the moment.



October 2008

I did stuff. Then it was Halloween. That's pretty much all I remember.

November 2008

This month is best left un-recounted. It was an absolute nightmare. Thank GOD it's over.

December 2008

I looked for work and gingerly tip-toed through a completely shut down city during record snowfall in the region (10 inches). I took a two-hour bus ride across town for a job interview to find out it had been canceled. That paid off in January, though. My laptop's hard drive crashed and I lost everything on it. Good thing I backed up photos to Flickr!

January 2009

I rescheduled the interview and was hired at the state office where I now work. It is a bilingual position on a six month contract and has been the best, most challenging job I have ever had. Each day I am asked to handle things I not only never thought I would, but had no idea I could! The whole process has been amazing.

February 2009

I met my boyfriend. :)

Our first date was at a restaurant in a log cabin that was COMPLETELY DESERTED for whatever reason that night. The best part of it was that he had just gotten done telling me bits of Portland lore including but not limited to the story of Dayton Leroy Rogers, a Portland area serial killer.

As we sat there.

In an empty log cabin.

In the woods.

Where nobody could hear me scream.

Best. First. Date. EVER!

March 2009

I was asked to assist with Spanish computer class instruction and lead presentations at work for groups of 20-30 people DAILY. HOLY CRAP.

It has been going well.

Becka thought she might be able to replace my hard drive and I was up for trying. She totally rocked it and now my computer works! Yay!

April 2009

Same stuff.

May 2009

My work contract is ending June 30th and there's no word on whether or not they will be able to hire me. That is a little scary.

My boyfriend and I went on a daytrip to Seattle. I love the Northwest. :)

June 2009

Here I am. Still standing, still waiting on the job thing, still feeling good. That pretty much brings you up to speed. We'll see where this goes from here.

What a crazy ride this has been.

I have been holding out on you.

HERE'S THE DEAL.

Moving to a new city in a new state requires a great deal of exploration.

I am an exhibitionist of sorts.

Since I am seeing and experiencing new things, and I have a camera phone, I have been TAKING PICTURES LIKE CRAZY.

Unfortunately, this has been going on at the expense of my blog.

MAYBE THE PHOTOS AND BLOG COULD BE LINKED AT SOME POINT but for now they are not.

THAT BEING SAID...here is the link to my photo website. It's fun and interesting because you can see stuff!

PHOTOS!

Until the two can exist peacefully in partnership, you can see what the hell I've been up to by visiting the link located above.

LITERALLY SEE IT. SEE THE THINGS.

You're excited. Admit it.

Woo!

THE NEW PLACE!!!

We moved! Yay!

Actually we haven't MOVED quite yet. I brought my stuff to spend the night but the actual furniture doesn't arrive until Saturday. That's ok though.

Here's a slideshow! I just discovered I can embed them in a blog post! Lucky you!

Merlin and Stevie.

Remember my friend Jennifer the dog trainer? Well these are her own two dogchildren, Merlin (lying down) and Stevie (sitting on the left). I call them "Mermoo and Steezy" but that's just me. She was experimenting with her new camera and thought she'd have some fun with them and their magnificent LARGE EARS.

I love these doggies and feel honored to have met them in person. :)

Hello.

I don't really have anything NEW to report. My job is going really well. I'm enjoying it and love the fact I can go for a long walk at lunchtime on a trail next to the building with trees and birds and such. Who can say that?!

Yeah, ok. People who work in the same office park. Heh. Got it. Smartypants.

Also I am awesome and excited for the future.

WHAT??

Today is September 11th.

This is from Op-Ed columnist Roger Cohen at the New York Times. Please read it and ponder.

In the Seventh Year

Looking for Soap.

This post is quite intense, but if there is anyone out there going through something similar, I want this to be available for them to read.
____________________________________________________________________

He clenched his fists.

“Oh fuck. Not again.”

Panic set in yet one more time that afternoon. It would be the seventh by his count.

The feeling was all too familiar - almost as though some internal neurotic receptor set off small sticks of dynamite throughout his body, detaching ligaments from skin letting his innards slide out onto the floor.

Hollow.

“Don't fight it. Don't fight it. Oh God don't fight it. You will just panic more.”

He closed his mouth and inhaled through his nose.

“One, two, three, four, five, six, seven...”

He held his breath for three counts and exhaled.

“One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine, ten, eleven...”

It was an exercise his counselor had told him to try. When a panic attack sets in, he would breathe through his nose for seven counts, hold for three, then exhale through his mouth for eleven counts – it looked silly but it was better than hyperventilating. He wasn't about to go through that again. One month ago to the day he had an attack so bad it ended with hyperventilation in the emergency room. The doctor was very kind and explained what was going on. Until that point he hadn't realized what he was experiencing could be categorized or defined. At first the news was exhilarating. Now that he knew what it was he could fight it!

That's the catch with panic attacks, however. You can't fight them. If you do it just makes them worse.

He broke out in a cold sweat.

“All the feelings you're having right now are NORMAL.” his counselor assured him. It was all part of the stress he was going through that would be ending soon.

“It's ending soon and once things start to follow a pattern you WILL be ok.” her voice was so relaxing and made him feel so much better. If only he could make an appointment to see her on the spur of the moment!

He tried to remember the thought process she had told him to use. There were three thoughts he was supposed to acknowledge to help him stay focused. He pulled out the paper from their last meeting. It was permanently folded in his wallet.

“What are you doing?”

He was at the supermarket looking at soap. It was just soap! What did that have to do with anything? Why can't he just look at some fucking soap? Is that too much to ask?? He just wanted to see what lavender soaps there were because lavender is supposed to be calming!

“How intense are the feelings?”

She would ask him to quantify them in their appointments. He was always bad at that. It always felt like a 10 on a scale of 1 being “Chill” and 10 being “Batshit Strung Out” but it couldn't always be a 10, could it? Could he really be that unstable? Could he even trust his brain anymore? Was he losing his mind?

The waves of emptiness crammed his thoughts and pushed out any logic. He unzipped again.

Plop.

“One, two, three, four, five, six, seven...”

On to the next question. He had to push forward.

“What are your thoughts?”

This was a hard one as well. Panic is a product of the subconscious mind. It doesn't necessarily come from specific thoughts. It's just an overall feeling. Or is it? He didn't know anymore. He didn't care. All he wanted to do was get the hell out of the store and hide in his car. Hide and drive. That was his safety maneuver. Hide in the car and drive very fast down the freeway. He started to bolt for the parking lot.

“Just get past the produce and then you're almost free.”

As he jogged through the store, he thought about his driving. It was a method of escape and although he was terrified inside, he hadn't killed anyone yet nor had he even been pulled over. In fact, he was really good at driving down the freeway in the midst of a panic attack. He even followed the speed limit.

Wait. This meant something. He paused by the oranges.

“Oh...now...see that's a good thing. You're very strong, you know. Who can say that they have done that? You're actually really good at that.”

His body was slowly reattaching.

“You are very good at taking care of yourself as a whole, really – not just when you're driving. This entire month, through all these panic attacks, you've still made it to work. You've still made it to the grocery store. You've still been able to transact business and never left your credit card behind, forgot your receipt or your bag...you've even remembered to not only make a lunch for work, but bring it too! That's so wonderful!”

His breathing started to get more steady.

“You are really strong and you are safe with yourself. You are the safest person I know. I completely trust you.”

He started to well up with tears.

“You are safe.”

He needed to wipe his nose.

“You are safe and I love you.”

He calmly got into the car and blew his nose on a napkin from his stash in the glove box. It felt good – almost like all the bad thoughts were coming off onto that bright yellow napkin with the word “TACO” written in sombreros on it. That made him laugh. Laughing felt glorious.

The sunshine through the windshield warmed his face and he thought he might go for a walk in the park once he got home.

“I trust you and I love you. Really. Things are going to be just fine.”

He believed it, too.

____________________________________________________________________

If you or someone you know is experiencing anxiety or panic attacks, have them speak with a medical professional. That is the most important step. In addition, you may want to show them this page. The information on here is incredible.

Panic Attacks

Thank you.

Pittock Mansion

Would you like to see another slide show?

You know you do.

Pittock Mansion!

My favorite part was the amazing views from the grounds!

I promise I'll write something soon. Really.

Updated Portland Capers!

Hello there.

Becka and I went to the Forestry Center at Washington Park. I have added the photos of our day to the front of my Portland Capers slideshow. If you're really, really bored, you may enjoy this.

Slideshow!

Update! With photos of trees!

Hello!

I have been so busy lately! I started a job and have to actually WORK now! Like all day! Five days a week! Can you believe it??

The job is awesome. When I started training it dawned on me this is a great opportunity and they don't hire just anyone - which should have been clear to me after the HOUR and a HALF interview I went through to get hired! It's going well and I am happy with it.

Additionally, I went for a walk! My cousin showed me this great park by her house where she walks her dog and I went to take photos today. Here they are!

Walkies!

Things are good on this end...how are things with you?

Jeannie's pictures!

My friend Jeannie (who is an excellent photographer) came to visit Becka and I. We had so much fun and it was wonderful to see her again!

She made a set on Flickr of her photos, taken mainly at Waterfront Park, The Coast, Multnomah Falls, the Japanese Gardens and a couple of Becka's adorable cat Nomie (who was featured in the "Keetykeetymowmow" video you saw a few posts back). All of the photos are really pretty. You should check them out. :)

Jeannie's Pictures

Thank you for visiting Jeannie! It was nice to see you!