Nine years later...

Jesus.

Here I am. Still here. Still alive. Still living in Oregon. But you all know that. Many of you know all this and a written story isn't going to change much. I'm not even sure anyone can read this due to the privacy settings I don't know how to switch. So, hello if you can actually read this.

I'm in Salt Lake City right now. I'm at the airport with my coworker. We were here for a conference. It has been surreal. I don't think I care for it. There's too much here. Too much beauty. Too much pain. Too many memories. Too many painful thoughts and feelings of disconnection. This isn't new. It's always how I've felt. It's all just too much.

I've always been fat, too. I don't mean to say that in an effort to insult myself. Fat is a descriptive word which can be used to reference a human body with an excess of cutaneous and subcutaneous fat cells. I've lost and gained and lost and gained and lost...you get it. With the exception of a few times in my late 20's and early 30's, I have remained fat. Or, if we're going to get technical, I have remained as someone with an excess of fat cells that create physical and logistical obstacles to daily life. There. Prim and proper.

It's interesting how I've managed to keep some chunks of my existence moving forward at rapid speed while others sit frozen and unmoving. My career doesn't exist. I am an office administrator who got lucky and had a ton of extra non-administrative duties plopped on my plate since I work for a small college with limited staff. I've had the opportunity to travel for work and attend (and present at) conferences and trainings. Yet, on paper, I am an office administrator. I am "The Help." I don't feel like I am. I certainly have enjoyed experiences most don't enjoy working as office administrators so I don't think I have to limit myself by saying that's "all" I am. Except it kind of is, in some ways.

Again, chunks of my life are flying ahead while others sit unmoving.

Fucking shit. There are GIANT bolts of lightning outside and we are being called to board?!