This is normal.

It hit me about a day ago that I am not on vacation. I am not going home - I am already home. At first this was exciting and cool to think about, but now those feelings have passed and I am terrified.

As I write this there is a huge knot in my stomach and my hands are shaky. Going outside and walking around helps this a lot, but then it always comes back. Part of me wants to run back to Utah where I know I'd be safe - but how "safe" would that really be? What would I be running back to? Not much more than what I have here. I went through so much planning and work to get here. It would be very unfair to myself if I just threw it all away.

These feelings are normal. I left a job and familiar environment for something nearly completely unknown. Feelings of fear and worry are part of the picture. I tell myself that all the time. It doesn't stop them, but it makes them easier to handle. Crawling back into bed and putting the covers over my head is all I want to do, but that just intensifies the feelings so I should try to do other things.

Moving here with a job waiting probably would have made this easier, but I wasn't going to wait for that. I wanted to get out of Utah and get going with this adventure - which I did. Now that I'm here the feelings of fear can get so strong that all I want to do is go home where I would be safe. Except I'm not actually in danger here.

I'm just in an unknown right now and once I know it better, I won't be as scared. Really.

There is a walking route I've taken a few times. It's familiar to me at this point. I may go walk that now.