Randomplations.

Hm.

Two nights ago I had a creepy nightmare. I was in a car and it was very dark and raining pretty hard. My phone was ringing and I picked it up to answer but couldn't speak at all. Every time I tried to say anything, all that came out was a squeak. I went home and wandered around wondering what to do and started to panic. I decided to call my parents but each time I tried to dial their number I would get it wrong and have to go back to fix it, triggering more panic until I couldn't even hold onto the phone anymore. Eventually I woke up, my heart pounding so loud it felt like it was in my ears.

There is a protocol I follow after nightmares which has worked pretty well up to this point. I get up, get a drink (because I'm usually parched), switch on the bedroom light and go back to bed. However, this time, for the first time in a very long time, it didn't work. I couldn't sleep. At all.

Another friend of mine had mentioned she had been having trouble sleeping lately so I sent a text message asking if she was awake. Either she would be and would get the message, or she wouldn't be, wouldn't hear her phone and continue getting much needed sleep.

Well...apparently she was getting much needed sleep.

Damn.

It was after midnight. Nobody else was really available at that hour. I have always been a pretty independent person and proud of my ability to get along just fine alone, but suddenly I didn't want to be alone. I didn't want to be by myself. I didn't want to be lying there staring at the ceiling with a pillow in my arms wondering what the hell that noise in the other room was. My very small apartment began to feel cavernous and I just wanted to get the hell out of there and never look back.

But that wasn't an option.

It was after midnight.

Also I was in softie pants and socks.

Could it be that my staunchly independent veneer is starting to crack? Is it possible my needs are changing as I grow older? Was this just a momentary thing or will it lead to a bigger problem to resolve within myself later?

Who knows? Either way it scared the ever-loving shit out of me.

Eventually I know this will all make sense. Until then I'm getting a dog.

Well...once I move to a place that allows them of course.