IT'S NOON. DO YOU KNOW WHERE YOUR CELLPHONE IS?

I’m in shock.

I’m typing this in stone cold silence.

Staring straight ahead.

Due to the fact there is no energy left in my body after a lengthy bout of extreme, high-energy laughter.

The kind that makes you cry.

Great.

Googly.

Moogly.

How in the hell do I get myself into these situations? Allow me to explain.

I was talking on my cellphone and had to use the restroom. The call ended before going into the restroom but I still had the phone in my hands. After completing my business (number two, that is) I got up and went over to wash my hands. Finished with that, I looked around and realized my phone was missing. “Wherever did it go?” I thought.

Looking in the stall, on the sink, and everywhere else turned up nothing. “Did I leave it in my office? Maybe it’s on my desk.” I thought while walking back.

As I entered the doorway, my very good co-worker promptly returned our previous phone call to let me know of some additional information.

Also, at that point my ASS started to RING AND VIBRATE.

It dawned on me that my phone, somehow, had slipped into my pants and was now in my crotch, propped just high enough to be securely fastened alongside the back seam.

Yes.

Yes it was.

I won’t get into much detail at what transpired after that point, nor will I tell you how very odd it felt as the phone vibrated, but I will provide this example:

Have you ever put a sock on a cat's head or a circular toy around a dog's neck and watched them squirm and jerk and generally FREAK the FUCK OUT trying to get it off?

It was like that.

Remembering the layout of the standard pair of pants, I realized all I needed to do was A) CALM DOWN and B) Move my leg just so and the phone would slide out. I flung my door shut (BAM!!) and did this. The phone was free.

But I couldn’t touch it. Hell no.

Leaving it on the floor in my office I ran to the supply closet, in tears at this point, and grabbed 2-3 Clorox Wipes to retrieve said phone and disinfect it thusly. I called my co-worker back from the landline and didn’t bother to mention this little “incident” nor explain why I wasn't using my phone. Ever again.

Thank GOD I didn’t sit down first and that nobody else was in the hallway!

Now I must shop for a new phone. Immediately.

(Okay…the laughing is back.)